You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
