Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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