I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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