I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Randomize