My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
