i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My penis needs a shock collar
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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