are you still at the devil's house?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
