My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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