I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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