today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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