Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
