Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
