drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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