I think I won the penis lottery.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
