Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
