Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
