I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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