I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
too bad you live with your parents still
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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