Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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