Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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