Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
