I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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