the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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