tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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