but the lizard people decide everything anyway
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
