its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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