There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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