Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
