I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize