His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
