So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
