Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
