i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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