i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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