we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
how drunk are you?
Several
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
