i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
