The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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