Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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