I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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