hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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