Joe is yelling at the trees again.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
