yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
