oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
