i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
