Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
