nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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