Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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