How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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