I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
