on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
