So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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