Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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