Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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