"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
