i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
