Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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