this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Couch. On fire.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
