I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
