My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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