My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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