i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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