Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize