Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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