I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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