Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
