ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
