can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
