Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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