my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
